Breaking News: Tom Brady To Retire, Will Focus On Role With Red Sox


In a stunning development, quarterback Tom Brady is reportedly set to retire from the NFL to pursue his growing role with the Boston Red Sox. Brady was seen cliff-diving earlier this offseason, and the scared, and angry responses from the Patriots fanbase has forced him to retire, and focus on a less dangerous sport.

Here is an official statement from Brady:

"“I would like to thank the Patriots organization for everything, but I now realize cliff-diving was too dangerous, and since Twitter thinks it was a dumb idea, I will be quitting the NFL, and focusing on helping the Red Sox become champions.”"

It is not clear what Brady’s role with the Sox will be, but rest assured, he will make sure to stay away from cliffs, and stay wrapped in a plastic bubble for the rest of eternity. He knows it is not about having fun with his family, but rather about staying locked in his house to please Skip Bayless and the rest of Twitter.

It’s been a nice run for Brady as a football player, as he has racked up six Super Bowl appearances, four wins, three Super Bowl MVP’s, and two regular season MVP’s. But unfortunately, it now has to come to an end, because he decided to have a little fun on vacation.

The Sox are in need of a leader like Brady to help them get back on the right track, as they are coming off a last place finish in the AL East. Brady is likely just going to help out in the coaching circles, but I wouldn’t rule out a return to the diamond, as he was drafted as a catcher back in 1999.

Readers, if you haven’t figured it out by now, this is an April Fool’s joke. Tom Brady is not retiring, and he is definitely not joining forces with the Red Sox. But this was written with a point: to those that overreacted to Brady cliff-jumping, please think about what you’re saying for one second. The man was on vacation with his family, and he was jumping off a 40-foot rock into what looked like a safe water pool. Everybody has done this type of thing, and barring some crazy accident (which could happen in the shower), it is completely safe. So unless you want Brady to stop showering as well, just let it go.

Have a fun day, folks.