The Buffalo Bills are losing their stadium sponsorship, eh? Patriots fans can help with that!
Gah, what a tremendous shame, Patriots fans! Now, when we go on the road to Buffalo, we’ll no longer be able to whip the Bills at New Era Field.
We’ll simply have to whip them at TBD NEW NAME Field.
Buffalo announced on Wednesday that they were going to drop the “New Era” naming rights from their current stadium deal, and were actively seeking new sponsors. That seems like something Pats fans should have covered, no?
After all, I believe we’re the rightful owners of the place, considering the Patriots are 8-0 there since our last loss back in 2011.
#Breaking: New Era name to be dropped from Bills stadium https://t.co/i3dqjXqDHt
— The Buffalo News (@TheBuffaloNews) July 15, 2020
When New England fans flock to pack the seats again someday at one of their favorite road stomping grounds, hopefully they’ll have taken our suggestion and tried out a few of these sponsors.
Hey, anything has to be better than the front-runner so far: a bidet company.
3. The Off-Target Center
Josh Allen needs to feel comfortable at home, Patriots Nation.
In honor of Buffalo’s current QB Josh Allen, we’d love to secure the Target branding for their new stadium, and then add the little “off” to better describe the Bills gunslinger’s accuracy.
Allen’s howitzer can take a receiver’s hand clean off, and unfortunately, no receiver in the building is remotely safe when he rears back and fires.
Sidelines or seam routes, Allen will find you — even if he has no intention of doing so.
If Target took us up on our offer, we expect they’d be able to do it big in Buffalo. There’s a goldmine at the tailgates, and I’m sure those dazed and confused Buffalonians would love to play some appropriate games. Blindfolded dart-throwing, “Shatter the Home Furnishings” contests, the Isaac Mizrahi Tent for Mid-Morning Hangover Management. All that good stuff.
If Allen’s going to face the unrelenting Patriots defense twice annually, the least the Bills can do is make him feel comfortable by giving him the biggest target possible, right on the side of the stadium. We’d kick in a few bucks for that.
2. Dell Computers Compound
Patriots fans will buy the Bills a ’90s throwback sponsor.
We figured, since the Bills haven’t been relevant since the ’90s, their stadium name should match.
Suitable alternates include Zubaz Park, New Coke Field, Kevin Costner’s Waterworld Stadium, or Spice Girls Courtyard (after all, the Bills will always be wannabes).
Things were beautiful in Buffalo in the ’90s. Led by Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith, and Thurman Thomas, the Bills won the AFC four consecutive seasons, from 1990-93. That conference dominance didn’t prevent the team from being America’s laughing stock, though, seeing as every single February during that span resulted in a crushing Bills Super Bowl loss.
Therefore, maybe the city won’t want to remember the ’90s with a defunct computer company sponsorship after all. But think of the opportunities! I’m not exactly sure what Steve the Dell Dude is up to these days, but I guarantee he’s not too busy to sign Pentium Processors from 10am-12pm in Lot J on gameday!
Dude, you’re getting a deal.
1. America’s Choice Stadium
Because the Bills will always be second best, at best. Right, Patriots fans?
You never want to buy America’s Choice brand products. They’re just…what you buy if there’s nothing else available, and they’re a flimsy stand-in for the real thing. That’s what the Bills feel like as AFC East “contenders” this year, and for the foreseeable future.
If you were a major believer in the downfall of the New England Patriots, you probably didn’t enjoy them signing Cam Newton very much at all. If nothing else, that move proved how flimsy Buffalo’s front-runner status really was. New England signs a QB for under a million dollars who we’ve all agreed has significant injury concerns?! Yeah, bye, Bills! Bye! See ya in the rearview!
America’s Choice surely isn’t the type of knockoff that Buffalo wants to represent their fair city, but it’s more than apt. Those concession stands would be wild — Cores, Budd Light, and other slight alterations on tap at the beer stand. Hungry? Have a Hot Doug!
Everything labeled with “America’s Choice” is slightly off-brand, and Patriots Nation has a chance to imprint their rivals’ stadium with the generic mark forever more. Definitely worth it.